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“There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“The truth is that parents really aren’t interested in justice.  They just want quiet.” – Bill Cosby

“You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going.”  – Unknown

“Cleaning your house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling snow while it is still snowing.” – Phyllis Diller

“I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea.  I’m only six feet tall, so I couldn’t play basketball.  I’m only 190 pounds so I couldn’t play football, and I have 20/20 vision so I couldn’t be a referee.” – Jay Leno

“A word to the wise isn’t necessary.  It’s the stupid ones who need all the advice.” – Bill Cosby

“Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” – Oprah Winfrey

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs.  It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.”  – Henry Ward Beecher

“Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility.” – Thomas Jefferson

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your back pocket.” – Will Rogers

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change.  Women marry men with the hope they will change.  Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

“People often say motivation doesn’t last.  Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those who do.” – Isaac Asimov

“Why does a woman work 10 years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?” – Barbara Streisand

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a S.O.B.” – Jack Nicholson

“The best argument against democracy is a 5 minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill

“America is a country where half the money is spent buying food and the other half is spent losing weight.” – Unknown

“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” -Robin Williams

“At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t.  The trouble is that they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey

“I feel sorry for the people who don’t drink.  When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they are going to feel all day.” – Frank Sinatra

“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.” – Mark Twain

“A two year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Always end the name of  your child with a vowel so that when you yell the name will carry.” – Bill Cosby

“Recession is when your neighbor loses his job.  Depression is when you lose yours.” – Ronald Reagan

“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

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